I find myself in that halfway point between wanting what God wants for me and wanting what I want for me. Right now, anyway, it sure feels like those are diametrically opposed wants.
In spiritual reality, my want is His want.
But, the flesh wants what the flesh wants, doesn’t it?
It feels easy to share the parts of my heart that are dark, in the hopes that those of you reading with darkness in your own heart will know you are not alone. You all help me remember that I’m not alone. The rebellion stirring around in my heart is no less palatable to my spirit when I share it, though.
As if to prove to the rebellion that it doesn’t belong there, so many times when I go to write out of the emptiness, God swoops in and inspires writing that is more joy-filled. Light floods the recesses and all of a sudden, I don’t remember what darkness I was writing to banish, in the first place.
I want to live so that Your will be done, Lord.
Human hearts being the wretched things that they can sometimes be, I find myself returning once again to the words that I originally intended to get out. The ones my flesh want to write. I string together the thoughts that most seem like they need to get out. I try to stay on the dark road.
He lovingly redirects me by way of joy. He makes hope overshadow all.
I’m able to stay there – in that hope-filled place, for a time. Inevitably, my rebellious heart starts thumping to its own beat again, completely out of tune with God’s heart. And before I know it, I’m headed back toward pondering the angst within me instead of remembering the joy of my salvation.
How long, Lord?
When I do try to head back to that wallowing place, grace always comes. We know this. Don’t we.
There is a verse that never fails to woo me back toward The Light of All Hope. It truly sings the song of my people.
And, I have a feeling it will for many of you, too.
“You groped your way through that murk once, but no longer. You’re out in the open now. The bright light of Christ makes your way plain. So no more stumbling around. Get on with it! The good, the right, the true—these are the actions appropriate for daylight hours. Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it.”
Ephesians 5:8 (The Message)
No more groping along.
It’s the Brightest Light, for me.
Only The Brightest Light.