Restore Unto Me

I’ve been calling out to You, Lord.

And you keep answering.

Thank You.

But, Lord, may I ask of you one more thing?

Restore unto me, the joy of my salvation.

Because, it’s missing.  And I feel like I’m chasing it down like a one woman army, lately.

But life is like that – one moment I’m sure of my place within my days and the next morning I plant my feet on the floor and feel the whole thing shift. I know that You won’t leave me or forsake me in this place where I feel unsure, unsteady. I also know that You will be there to catch me and put me back on my feet.

Every time.

You are the surety to my movements.

But, it’s in the calling out for You that I am most surprised, these days. Just the seeming need to blurt out, “I need You, God! I don’t even know why or what for. Please! Be near!”

I feel much like a toddler who has discovered the word “Dada” and has seen the effect speaking this word has on The Hearer. I keep calling it out, over and over. Because, for reasons I can’t fathom, and am not sure I’m ready to at the moment, I am needing my Father in that way.

So, I will continue to lean on You, Abba, and claim it as gift that You answer when I call.

Every Time.

I choose to trust in the reassurance I find in Psalm 143:8,

In the morning let me hear about your faithful love, because I’ve put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should live, because I trust you with my life.”

And You will. 

Because, You do.

Every time.

Without fail.

I will be restored because I believe you are The God of Restoration. Anytime the world swirls, my head spins, or my legs sway, You are there – sure, steady, and strong.

Ready to restore:

              Joy

                  Peace

                          Love

And I?

I want it all.

I need it all.

Yes indeed.

May I pray that for you, too, Friend?

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Five Minute Friday: Join

Oh. My. Word. Of. Mercy.  I’m linking up for the first time ever with anyone about anything anywhere.  Ya still with me?  I’ve been reading the writings over at The Gypsy Mama‘s blog for a few years. And I have been so blessed by her “Five Minute Friday” writing prompts and the places it took me.  Today, after Ever So Much chewing of nails and promises to myself and others to just do it, I am.  Hold me…

 

 

Join…

 

I am a joiner by nature.  I’m outgoing and get jazzed up by meeting new people.  Sometimes, without any consideration, I join a person, group, or activity that I had no business joining.  And it’s often there, in that messy moment of, “What exactly was I thinking?”, that I find something out about myself that I had not known before.  Or, at other times, by joining and realizing later that I didn’t really belong, I was finally able to acknowledge something about myself that I hadn’t before.

 

And it’s in the acknowledgement or the knowing that I’m able to learn a lesson.  It’s then that the joining makes sense as a lesson to be learned.  That jumping in and then feeling all wrong in my skin?  It feels like God’s way of revealing something of Himself in me, to me. And if I am honest, sometimes, I join things for all the right reasons and still feel all wrong in my skin.  It’s in those moments of, “Why isn’t this working?”, that I am able to see God’s love for me poured out in ways I wouldn’t have been able to recognize had I not joined in the first place.

 

I’m keenly aware that there are moments when my joining in proves detrimental to my health (like the time I tried to join a Running Club, HA!), or detrimental to my relationships (joining an outwardly Christian group or organization can be off-putting to those who aren’t).  But, inevitably, if I keep my eyes and heart open to what is being revealed to me, I will see the bigger purpose in my desire to join.  And that is worth it indeed!

Hopping Toward Thankful

Sweetboy’s stim is hopping; and he’s done more than his fair share of it lately.  We assume it’s anxiety over the transition as we end the current school-year. And, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we’re going to wake up one morning and find that this kid has sprouted long ears and a fuzzy bunny tail.  Sir-Hops-A-Lot frequently tells us that his legs or feet hurt, but he insists that “It’s NOT because of the hopping”.  It’s a veritable conundrum wrapped in a quandary.

This is another one of those moments where I’m torn in emotion. No, that’s not right.  My emotions feel shredded like so many ribbons tonight.  Why did God give us a child who can trample all over my heart with a few errant hops?  And then again, why the hell am I so ungrateful for the pure unadulterated beauty that this child brings into our lives?  I’m sorry.  Crass. I know.  I’m feeling some pent-up angst.  I blame it on the rain.  And now, I have that stinkin’ song in my head.  It’s entirely possible that you do, too.  I’m not sorry for that.  Someone should share the agony of having a Milli Vanilli song planted in their head with me.  Misery loves company and all that jazz.

But now? Now, I’ve written some of the vitriol out and it feels better.  And instead of pretending that I didn’t feel raw enough to write about it, I’m going to leave it right here.  Right where I can find it when I need to be reminded that, “Ah, yes, I’ve felt this way before. And I lived to feel like that again.”  Or even better, so that I can be reminded the next time that there most certainly is sun after rain.  It’s usually in his hug. Or his gorgeous guffaw.  And I’ll remind myself anew that I live under an umbrella of grace that is bigger than any emotional tirade on my part.  And I will be thankful.  Oh, yes indeed.  I will be thankful.

Traveling Home

“Where we love is home-home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”  Oliver Wendell Holmes

I’ve been thinking about “home” a lot lately. I’m not entirely certain why.  Or which “home” I’m longing for.  My physical one down in sunny F.L.A.  Or my spiritual one in Heaven.  Maybe a little of both.  And, I surely hope that there is LOTS of sunshine and sand in Heaven.  But that’s another post for another day… One of my new favorite blogs is here. Her blog name really speaks to me. It reminds me that we are all just travelers, whether our journey is from the South to the North or from now to then.  And I appreciate those reminders.  It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut, or worse,  fall into a ditch along the way from here to there, isn’t it?

My Sweetchildren don’t yet know what it means to be travelers along the road of this life, other than their flights down to Florida to see The Nana and Captain Ahab.  Some of that is because of my Sweetboy’s limited ability (for a time!) to see beyond the “now”.  And some of it is because his sister is… well… four.  But, I want them to know that they are travelers in this life. I want them to find joy in the journey.  I want them to carve out a sense of purpose for their lives here and now.  I desperately want them to travel this life with as little baggage as possible.  And I want them to know that “wherever they go, there they are.”  And how to “bloom where they’re planted“. And all those good thangs!

But most of all, I want them to yearn for “home”.  And if we are so blessed, may our children’s idea of “home” be wherever we are, while still alive and breathing.  And where we finally will be when we’re not.  Yes indeedy.

Migraine For Mother

A great time was had by all.  All weekend long, while visiting a couple of states south with my brother and sister-in-law, and their children (the cousins), and The Gammy and The Grampa, I kept marveling at the fact that I am blessed beyond measure to be married into this family.  Like all families, we do indeed have our “moments” here and there (C’mon, who doesn’t?!?); but it all seems to be blatantly covered in So Much Grace.  I felt that this weekend.  It was a gift. Between the birthday celebrations, the Mother’s Day Extravaganza, and the late night talks about life and parenting, my heart was ready to burst with all of the love that God has poured into me for each of these family members!

On the 4 hour car ride home,  Sweetman and I talked about how thankful we are.  And he reminded me about the hundred and one reasons that he loves my family so much, too.  And how excited he is to see them this summer. And I started to sing ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight’ from the “Lion King” in my head.  Because, I could!  I really could!  It was like a great big ‘pollyanna’ cloud of love just enveloped me as I sat in that car and thought about how precious each and every family member is to me. His. Mine. Ours.

And I would have stayed in that cloud, had a little voice not piped up from the back forty declaring that “I. Need. To. Go. Potty! NOW!!!”.  Moment over, Sweetman pulled over quick as spit onto the side of a very noisy interstate.  She and I hopped out to use the “special pink travel potty” stashed in the trunk of the car.  Sweet mercy, I’ve never been so thankful for one of those things.  As she was conducting business and cars are roaring by and I can barely hear myself think over the Ever So Loud Noises and the whoosh of cars whizzing by, Sweetman shouts, “LOOK BEHIND YOU!”.   So, I did.

An oh-s0-speedy Highway Service Patrol truck had pulled up (out of nowhere and quite quickly, might I add) to see if we needed help there on the side of the road.  How kind.  I waved him off with a hearty thumbs up.  And sweet girl stood up, buck nekid from the waist down, to “help” give him her own hearty thumbs up.  And I have never thrown underwear on a moving 4 year old so quickly in my life!

The harrowing experience behind us, my brain must have decided that I’d had enough thrills and love-talk, because I received another gift shortly there-after. A migraine.  I could have done without that gift. But the rest of the weekend, I couldn’t have done without.  So, if that’s what brought on the migraine for mother, bring it!  Yes indeedy.

He’s Our Man!

My SweetBoy is quirky.  I could pretty much end this post right there.  But hey, I won’t.  We began the diagnostic process, when he was newly two, noting how he could string together these incredibly long phrases to make complex sentences about random things that generally weren’t all that helpful socially. (And now, we all know where he got that…).  In other words, he could quote Blue, from Blues Clues, verbatim, one episode sequence at a time.  Now, this came in handy when we wanted to remember the words to episode 8 from season 2 of Blues Clues.  Not so much at any other time. If you’d like someone on your team for any game of “What are the words from that movie…?”, he’s your man!

A few years later, we began to notice his propensity for remembering incredibly minute details about roads and routes that we took to get to new places.  He would even be able to tell you the number of the exit, from which highway/interstate/route to take to proceed to the next leg of your destination.  And he still can!  We’ve begun to refer to him as our “Cartographer in Training”.  It’s absolutely amazing, to us, how his brain works.  And hey, if you need to remember where the closest bathroom break will be when you are halfway into your 6 hour road trip?  He’s your man!

Fast forward  a couple more years and his latest perseveration is hopping.  Now, I will grant that it provides some much-needed exercise on those cold gloomy days that outdoor play is just not in the cards.  I will even go so far as to say – wouldn’t it be great if we could ALL get a “release” from the stressors of life with such a healthy habit.  But, we are at a loss as to how to turn this newest fixation into a strength.   We’ve had some well-meaning friends suggest Hip Hop Dance.  That… was a mini-disaster with a heaping helping of frustration and self-esteem dousing for good measure.  Unfortunately, Sir-Hops-Alot, alone, chooses the when and how this happens each day. And it happens a lot!  So, when you need an exercise buddy when you’re on the rebounder, he’s your man!

Having a child with special needs takes a lot out of us sometimes.  It also puts a lot back in.  He teaches us patience, the likes of which, I promise you, we never would have been able to cultivate without him.  The emotions he feels and shares are unfiltered.  Sometimes they are a raw mess of crazy.  Sometimes, they make us put on the brakes and rethink how we’re approaching one of our own situations in life.  We are so grateful that God saw fit to bring him into our family.  And, that he’s our man!