I Feel So Ugly

Today, I woke up feeling ugly.  The mirror was harsh and my thoughts were harsher.

It’s awfully hard, sometimes, to keep moving forward with only a dim picture of what could be.

Here I go, grappling with that old question again! How long, Lord?

I want to see a glimpse, a clear glimpse, of the me You know I will be.

But, right now?

mirror_missindeedy

Well, right now, I only see this dim and very muddled reflection. It’s not pretty. It’s all smudged with “wish I never said that” thinking and “why couldn’t I finish that” questioning. It’s tainted by age that hasn’t been accompanied by wisdom near as much as I would like.

 “It is the same with us. Now we see a dim reflection, as if we were looking into a mirror, but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully, as God has known me.”

-1 Corinthians 13:12 (NCV)

Age aside, (way way aside, please), it’s worth noting that most days, I’m quite happy to only see my reflection dimly. If at all. The problem I’m experiencing is that as grace abounds more and more, the dimmer the image staring back at me in the mirror.

Maybe that’s exactly the way it should be.

Each time I think I think I’ve got a hold of what I look like, God changes something in me.

And each time He makes adjustments to the old me, I find myself staring at a new and unfamiliar reflection.

Even as I type out these words, I realize that there’s really no need to know exactly how I look. To myself, or others.

It’s got to be enough, His grace has to be enough to cover my lack with His all.

My ugly with His beauty.

Whether dimly or clearly.

Why does it take me so long to figure these things out?

He knows what I will look like. He loves the me that I am now through Perfect Eyes that see past this here and now and into the gorgeous eternal.

Those flaws we see in ourselves, that I constantly see in myself, the ones that glare back at us in the mirror? They are the same ones He uses to draw others toward us.

I’ve watched Him use my ugly to speak into someone else’s ugly, time and time again. He does it with such beauty. It’s staggering.

But then, the times I wake up and immediately hate what I see, I so easily forget that there is no room for hatred in His eyes. The disgust and frustration and disappointment, seen so clearly by my own eyes, are all crowded out by the affection and joy and delight, in His.

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.”

BibleGateway Psalm 149:4 (NASB)

I am His people. I’m guessing that if you’re reading, you are too.

Or, you long to be.

The God who made us, sees beauty.

The One who sees me, sees beauty.

Oh God, how I need to cling to that! 

He promises that He will beautify.

Oh God, afflict us with salvation! 

I’m thanking Him for that promise, today.

Yes indeedy.

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Best Friends Forever

English: A variety of tweezers, including poin...

My tweezers and I? We are best friends.  Best. Friends.

I wish I were kidding about this statement.

Alas, it is true.

It’s kind of a hairy story.

You knew I was going there, right?

Apparently, God saw fit to endow me lots of opportunities to give my tweezers a workout.  I have become very skilled at using those little suckers.  Even in the car.  Not while driving, of course. Although, I wonder if I could put that on a resume?

  • Adept at manipulating miniscule tools for emergency hair removal situations under high velocities

That sounds so official-like, doesn’t it?

Anyhoo… one of my greatest fears is being stuck in a place that doesn’t have either a 10x mirror, a 5x mirror, or… a mirror.

No worries, I don’t love myself that much.  I do, however, love knowing whether I’ve got a plucker that needs to go before going out into public. (Sidebar: friends don’t let friends go out in public with a Granny length chin hair poking out. Can I get an Amen? I mean, when we’re all 96 and start mistaking our toothbrush for our hairbrush, we can let that slide.  Until then…)

Truth be told, nothing strikes terror in my heart quicker than being in front of a mirror, while already in public, and discovering a surprise hair. Or 3.  MERCY! My heart gets to palpitating and I get the sweats.

Add being caught in that situation without my best friend?  My mouth just went dry…

It’s happened often enough, though, that I’ve developed an action plan. I now stow my best friend in every possible location I can think of. Purse? Check. Car? Check. Random kitchen drawer? Check. Upstairs, downstairs, and basement? Check, check, and… you just never know.

However, I also have a group of 4 flesh-and-blood best friends who are spread over these United States. We’ve made a pact that if I ever become incapacitated for some reason, they will take turns coming to my bedside, on a rotating basis. To pluck.

Yes, being best friends with me is just. that. exciting.

Now you know the true definition of TMI, folks.  I can’t even apologize, you see, because I’m all about The Sharing.

And since the likelihood of more unsightly hairs cropping up seems to increase with my advanced maternal age, I do believe my tweezers and I?  We really will be best friends forever.

So, to recap – I have hairs to spare.  My best friends deserve a medal. And, If you ever come to visit and reach into a drawer for a spoon, but instead pull out a pair of tweezers, you’ll understand why.

Just hand em’ over and we’ll be sure to be B.F.F’s in no time.

Yes indeedy.

A Beauty in Truth

There is such a beauty in truth, isn’t there?

Feeling the need to find my people, be purposeful, create beauty… it’s all percolating in my heart.  And I long to do these things without being rejected.  Without having my purpose be cast aside as unimportant.  I deeply desire to see others appreciate the words I create.  I do, indeed, long for these things.

And yet, I am afraid.  I’m afraid to fail, to not matter, to produce words that do not reach into hearts.

But, I go ahead and do these things afraid.

I do them because if I don’t, what is true of me will not be seen.

And what is true of me?

I am a sinner, the worst among them.

I will fail, many times over.

What I create may well end up being of no consequence.

But what is also true of me?

My Audience of One tells me that what is true is that I am already accepted.  I am already created with a purpose.  I was, in fact, already a thing of beauty creatively made in the image of One I can only pray to be more like every day.

I’m reminded that all that matters is that I believe these things – that I believe Him!

And that is a beautiful truth.

And it sets me free.

I’m linking up with the beautiful hearts over in the Five Minute Friday Community at Lisa-Jo Baker’s blog.  They had some words to share about TRUE. Maybe you’d like to share your thoughts, too?  Click the button below to hop on over there and check some of them out or add your own.  Or, even better? Do both!

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